User:Kribbel/Texts

Sign at western edge of 0_kalavan_castle

You see some kind of wooden sign onto which a parchment is nailed. With it's well executed writing and the wax seal it looks highly official. You read: I hereby command that the trees in the forest west of kalavan castle shall be cut down and uprooted. The soil shall be put to the plough and broken up so that this land may yield crops aplenty for the good of my humble people. Cozart, king of Kalavan

Dialogues for Flips

hi: Hello mate!

hi2: Hey mate! Do you've got a beer for me?

job: Oh, I'm not working anymore, I'm retired. I used to be a travelling entertainer. Now I just take care of my garden and watch the chicks. !me winks mischievously.

help: No, I don't need any help. I can take care of my garden myself. But I'd like to put an #offer to you.

offer: Sitting here so long made me thirsty. Tell you what, if you bring me a beer, I will tell you a #joke or a funny pun in return. How about that? Do you want to hear one? quest: No, no, I don't have any quest for you, but I'd like to make you an #offer.

or better

quest: No, I'm sorry. But at the #museum they are constantly looking for new #exhibits. I bet this is exactly what you are looking for. !me smiles

joke: Not the world's best jokes, but mine are pretty amusing… mostly. At least they helped me make a living.

museum: It's on the other side of the town. A big, white, noble looking building. You can't fail to see it.

exhibit: I don't know what they do with all those things you heroes bring them. If you ask me, they either get robbed constantly or they sell them on the black market theirselves. !me looks conspiratorial. Or how do you explain that all those scoundrels in Faiumoni are carrying such good weapons.

beer given: Thanks for the beer! And here we go:

bye: See you later mate!

Jokes and puns for Flips

grade one jokes

I intend to use these jokes for Flips. (Some would benefit of the implementation of npcs or players still.)

1. After a joyful day at the Mine Town Revival Weeks, a man from Ados was on his way home walking through the cemetery in the Semos Mountain. Right in the middle of the cemetery, he was startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy smokes, Mister,” he said after catching his breath, “You scared me half to death… I thought you were a ghost! What are you doing here in the middle of the night?” “Those fools,” the old man grumbled, “they misspelled my name!”
2. After a great storm with severe gales, many houses in Kirdneh were blown away. The house of the penniless hero yoriy wasn't and he stated, “I knew it couldn't get blown away, because there is such a heavy mortgage on it.”
3. It is said that some time ago the beautiful Princess Ylflia happened upon a frog in the moat of Kalavan Castle. The frog said to Princess Ylflia, “I was once a handsome prince until an evil littlewitch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so.” That night Princess Ylflia had frog legs for dinner.
4. “Wife,” said a married man, looking for his boot-jack, after she was in bed, “I have a place for all things, and you ought to know it by this time.” “Yes,” she replied, “I ought to know where you keep your late hours, but I don't.”
5. An imperial veteran, whose nose had been lopped off by a scimitar-cut, happened to give a few pence to a beggar, who exclaimed in return, “God preserve your eyesight!” “Why so?” inquired the imperial veteran. “Because, Sir,” was the reply, “if your sight should grow weak, you have nothing to hang your spectacles on.”
6. On a very stormy day, three friendly heroes met at the crossroads at Ados Rock. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty hearing each other. “It's windy,” noticed the first. “No, it's Thursday,” corrected him the second. “So am I,” agreed the third. “Let's go and have a drink at Margaret's!”
7. When Hughie was very ill, his physician was observing in the morning that he seemed to cough with more difficulty, his mother Anastasia answered, “That is rather surprising, as he has been practising all night.”
8. When a hero, staying in the Fado City Hotel, was asked by Linda the hotel receptionist how he had slept, he replied, “Union is strength — a fact of which your inmates seem to be unaware; for, had the fleas been unanimous last night, they might have pushed me out of the bed.” “Fleas!” exclaimed Linda, affecting great astonishment, “I was not aware that we had a single one in the house.” “I don't believe you have,” retorted the hero, “they are all married, and have uncommonly large families.”
9. “Why is it,” asked a Blordrough soldier of a hero, “that you heroes always fight for money while we Blordrough fight only for honour?” “I suppose,” answered the hero, “that each fight for what they most lack.”
10. One day a wandering flower woman was going door to door in Ados, and so knocked on Felina's door who was not happy to see her. Felina told her in no uncertain terms that she did not want to buy anything and slammed the door in her face. To Felina's surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result – the door bounced back open. Convinced that rude woman was sticking her foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach her a lesson, when the woman said, “Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat.”
11. A kalavan peasant seeing a pigeon that was shot fall from a considerable height, picked it up, and running with it to the imperial archer leader who had killed it, cried out, “Ah, your honour, you need not have shot — the fall would have killed it.”
12. “Father,” said a little boy the other day, “are not soldiers of Ados very small men?” “No, my dear,” replied the father, “pray what leads you to suppose they are so small?” “Because,” replied the child, “I read the other day of a soldier of Ados going to sleep in his watch.”
13. “Well, my good fellow,” said a victorious Blordrough general to a brave Blordrough soldier, after a battle, “and what did you do to help us to gain the victory?” “Do!” replied that one, “may it please your honour, I walked up boldly to one of the enemies, and cut off his foot.” “Cut off his foot! and why did you not cut off his head?” asked the General. “Ah, that was off already.”
14. A merchant in Deniran suddenly entered his counting house, and found one of his clerks rearing a large book in the air, with the end resting on his chin, "Why ain't you at work?" he inquired. "I am, Sir," replied the clerk. "You are!— at what work?" "Balancing the ledger, Sir!"
15. Groongo Rahnnt, dining at a fashionable hotel in fado a few days ago, was requested by a gentleman to pass some article of food that was near him. “Do you mistake me for a waiter?” said the grumpy one." “No, Sir,” was the reply, “I mistook you for a gentleman.”
16. At an Imperial Army base, the monthly trip to the archery range had been cancelled for the second month in a row, but the fortnightly physical fitness test was still on as planned. One imperial archer mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Imperial Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”
17. How do men exercise on the beach of Athor? By sucking in their stomach, every time they see a bikini.
18. John and his wife Jane are quarrelling with each other. She “Ok, today you are allowed to have the last word. Apologize!”
19. A chaos green dragonrider rides into Semos. He meets Xoderos outside of his smithy and says, “I want two new stirrups for my green dragon.” “Agreed! That sounds like a good deal.”
20. Our hero kribbel visits Lovena, the psychic in Deniran, and she says, “Oh, I see that you will get a lot of flowers as a gift in four weeks and everybody will talk good of you.” kribbel is very surprised but also delighted and asks her, “Why?” And she replies, “Well, that's the custom at a funeral.”
21. A man comes into Coralia's bar in Ados and shouts, “Barmaid! Quick! A double, please, before the quarrel starts!” He pours down the double and says “One more, before the quarrel starts!” After the fifth glass, Coralia asks her guest, “What quarrel do you mean anyway?” “I can't pay…”
22. Many years ago, the Semos Tavern was built by Margaret's father. Once a mighty hero, he had lost a leg to a dragon and decided to end his career as a hero and run a tavern in Semos City instead to give the other heroes a place to rest and strengthen themselves. Although he had only one leg left, the newly become tavern manager was still the strongest man far and wide. He was so strong, that there was nobody to be found to hold a candle to him. Therefore he hang up a sign in his tavern, which promised prize money of 10000 coins to everybody who was stronger than himself. One day a slight man, not a hero obviously, walked into Semos Tavern. He read the sign and offered the tavern manager to try his strength against him. Margaret's father agreed and took a lemon, squeezed it out in his hand until there was left only a dry something, and said to his guest, “If you manage to squeeze only one more drop out of this lemon, the prize money is yours.” The guest took the lemon in his hand and squeezed it without great effort and several drops of lemon juice ran out of it. As he let go of the lemon it crumbled to dust. “Gosh!” said the tavern manager and gave the 10000 coins to his guest, “but tell me, are you a wrestler or a weightlifter or something?” “No,” said the slight guest, “I am Mr Taxman!”
23. Old Santa sits at the bar in Ados Bar, filled up with spiced wine, and stares at the barmaid Siandra for eternity. After a while, he starts to lament, “You *hicks* you have it well, you exist twice – I in comparison *hicks* don't exist at all!”
24. What has happened when you see Kormic sitting on the roof of the Kobold's Den bar? Barmaid Wrviliza announced, "The next round is on the house!"
25. “What's up with you?” asked barmaid Wrviliza her regular Kormic who sat alone in the corner making a sad face. “My wife ran off with my best friend – nothing makes sense anymore without him!”
26. A gnome walks into the Kobold's Den bar and Wrviliza, the barmaid, starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding away the bottles of koboldish torcibud, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. Wrviliza hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home in Gnome Village. He turns to Wrviliza and says, “Sorry, I'm a little short.”
27. Recently somewhere between Nalwor Forest and Ados Rock two mice tracked down an elephant. Whispers one mouse, “That one we will roast! You guard it, and I fetch firewood.” When the mouse returns after an hour, the other one is crying bitterly. “The elephant ran away.” “Don't lie to me,” shouts the other mouse angrily, “you are still chewing!”
28. While our hero dustofdust was running around Nalwor Forest naked as usual two elephants, who had never seen a naked man before, saw him. Asked one elephant the other one, “Boy, how the devil does he get the food into his mouth?”
29. Says Annie Jones to her mother, “Mom, would you like some ice cream?” “No, Annie, thank you.” “Ok, mom. And now you have to ask me!”
30. Elisabeth finds an old playpen in the attic. Exited she runs to her mother Carey. “Mom, we'll have a new baby!” she shouts. “But Elisabeth, what gives you that idea?” “Mom, in the attic the trap is set already.”
31. Elisabeth says to Jef, “Did you know that girls are smarter than boys?” “No, I didn't,” says Jef. Emma says “There you see!”
32. Mrs. Jones takes her daughter Annie to bed. After a while the father opens the door carefully and asks quietly, “Is she fallen asleep already?” And the girl replies, “Yes and she is snoring.”
33. At lunch, Anna says to her mother, “I chewed the carrots exactly 18 times now, mom!” “Good girl.” says the mother. Anna pulls a face and asks tearfully, “And what am I supposed to do with it now?”
34. Farmer Karl was at the Semos Tavern complaining that he couldn’t tell his two horses apart from each other. Harold the trader who overheard him suggested that he measure both horses to see which one was taller. This wouldn’t help him at all, farmer Karl said, because the brown horse was the same size as the white one.
35. How did the farmer Karl know the goat was stealing eggs? – The piglets squealed on it.
36. What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white? – A penguin rolling down Ados Rock.
37. What do you call a big snarling polar bear that’s heading your way? – You don’t call it anything, you just run!
38. Did you ever meet the cannibals from Athor? They really have strange habits and rituals. Do you know what's the first ritual of a cannibal wedding? – Toast the bride and groom
39. After a long hard day of mining in the Semos Mine, Barbarus falls flat on his bed around midnight. That’s when he hears a ghostly wail, “I am the ghost with the blue eyes.” The ghost with the blue eyes sees the man is unaffected and still lying there in bed, so he repeats, “I am the ghost with the blue eyes.” The man is still lying there in bed, so the ghost says it louder than the other times, “I am the ghost with the bl...” The man yells, “If you don’t shut up, you’ll be the ghost with the black eyes!”
40. There are three fundamental truths: 1. Men are always right. 2. Women belong in the kitchen. 3. The Earth is flat. Because Stendhal is a 2D world it's in fact flat, which makes the joke absurd. Kribbel (talk)
41. What does the clever kalavan housewife do, if her husband falls down the stairs by fetching some potatoes out of the cellar? – She makes pasta.
42. Jens comes home and yells, “Moooom!” Jens' mother answers from upstairs, “Don't yell. Come upstairs if you want something.” Jens stamps up the stairs to the first floor of the house. Jens' mother, “Yes, Jens, what's up?” “Mom, look, I stepped into dog shit.”
43. The rules of Deathmatch in Ados City changed through the years. In the old days in the Ados Deathmatch Arena heroes had not to fight against mighty creatures, but three heroes had to fight against each other, bringing any weapon of their choice and the only rule was that the first person to draw blood would win. One day the first hero walked in with a badass chaos axe, the second hero walked in with a huge demon fire sword, and the third showed up with a red wax crayon. – After that day, Thanatos and Thonatus decided to change the rules.
44. Fighting his way to the Orril Lich Palace, a hero happens upon a demon skeleton. They are fighting to the death. The hero falls down, and the demon skeleton stands proudly before his fallen foe, with his majestic demon sword in hand. The hero grins and yells, “You won't finish me. You don't have the guts to do it.”
45. Haunchy Meatoch, “How do you like your steak, Mr Farmer?” Martin Farmer, “Like winning an argument with my wife Alice.” Haunchy Meatoch, “Ok, rare it is!”
46. Did you hear of the amazoness archer, who shot an arrow into the sky? She missed it!
47. Why did nobody want to play cards with Captain Brownbeard? Because he was standing on the deck.
48. An infantry brigade of blordrough fighters makes its way through the Deniran Caves when they hear a voice call from behind a bend, “One Faiumoni hero is better than ten Blordroughs.” The blordrough general quickly orders ten of his best men around the bend, where a battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out, “One Faiumoni hero is better than one hundred Blordroughs.” Furious, the blordrough general sends his next best one hundred fighters around the bend, and instantly a huge fight commences. After ten minutes of battle, silence again. The calm voice calls out again, “One Faiumoni hero is better than one thousand Blordroughs.” The enraged blordrough general musters one thousand fighters and sends them into the tunnel around the bend. A terrible battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded blordrough storm trooper crawls back around the corner, and with his dying words, he tells his general, “Don't send any more men. It's a trap. There are two of them.”
49. Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body turned to charcoal by a red dragon? He's alright now.
50. Do you know the Blacksheep Brothers? Their sausage puns are the wurst.
51. Yesterday fishmonger came over, and we had a beer together – or two or… doesn't matter. We talked about everything under the sun. And then fishmonger asked me if I knew the difference between science, religion, and politics. “Sure I do,” I said. “Listen up! If two men in an enormous pitch-black hall without any light search for a black cat, that is science. If two men in an enormous pitch-black hall without any light search for a black cat, that isn't there, that is religion. If two men in an enormous pitch-black hall without any light search for a black cat, that isn't there, and one shouts, ‘I got it!’ that is politics.”

grade two jokes

I might use these jokes to fill up the amount. Some need adjustments or changes in the story. Maybe two or even three of the short ones will be tied into bundles and told at once (treated as one joke).

1. Why are women like facts? – Because they are stubborn things.
2. Why does a blacksmith seem the most dissatisfied of all mechanics ? — Because he is continually striking for wages.
3. Coals are not like the objects of your affections; the dearer they are to you, the colder you become.
4. Why is smoke like a novel? – Because it goes out in volumes.
5. Why is a thief called a "jail-bird?" – Because he has been a "robbin."
6. Why are most men like gooseberries? – Because any woman can make a fool of them.
7. The difference between an old woman and a young one is said to be, that one is happy and careless, and the other is crappy and hairless.
8. Why ought meat to be only half-cooked? – Because what's done cannot be helped.
9. Why is a filter like the fortune of a spendthrift? – Because it is soon run through, and leaves a great many matters behind to settle.
10. When are soldiers like good flannels? – When they won't shrink.
11. "Is not one man as good as another?" exclaimed Mayor Sakhs at his election campaign event. " Of course he is," shouted an excited Semos miner, "and better!"
12. "Tom, who did you say our friend Ben married?"— "Well, he married forty million coins — I forget her other name."
13. A kalavan peasant, seeing a globe of goldfish, exclaimed, "Well, if that ain't the first time as ever I see red herrings alive!"
14. A young hunter entered the cobblers shop in Deniran to purchase himself a pair of shoes. After overhauling his stock in trade, without being able to suit his customer, the shopkeeper hinted that he would make him a pair to order. "And what will you tax to make a good pair of them?" was the query. The price was named; the hunter demurred, but after some haggling the thing was a trade. The hunter was about leaving the shop, when the other called after him, asking, "But what size shall I make them, Sir?"' "Och!" cried the hunter, "never mind about the size at all — make them as large as you conveniently can for the money!"
15. "Excuse me, madam; but I would like to ask why you look at me so savagely?" "Oh! beg pardon, Sir! I took you for my husband!"
16. Is it not, indeed, something superhuman which enables a woman, after she has passed an hour and a half in Church, without ever lifting her eyes from her prayer-book, or letting them wander from the preacher, to describe to you the toilette of every lady in Church, without omitting the smallest details?
17. "Here, fellow—hold this horse!" "Does he kick?" "Kick! No! Take hold of him." "Does he bite?" "Bite! No! Take hold of the bridle, I say!" "Does it take two to hold?" "No!" "Then hold him yourself!
18. A young widow was about to marry an old rich widower. Her friends wished to know what she was about to marry him for. She feelingly replied, " Pure love! I love the ground on which he walks, and the very house in which he lives!"
19. A mother admonishing her son, told him that he should never defer till tomorrow what he could do today. The little urchin replied "Then, mother, let's eat the rest of the plum pudding tonight."
20. Why are bells the most sensible of inanimate things? — Because they make a noise when they're toll'd.
21. The last words of the blacksmith "And when I not with my head, you hit it!"
22. What two words make a shark happy? – Man overboard!
23. What's white and crawling up the mountain? – An avalanche with homesickness
24. Which route do crazy horses take through the woods south of Semos? – The psycho-path.
25. Which horse can jump higher than a house? – All of them because houses can’t jump at all.
26. Why did the horse miss the jousting event? – It had the knight off.
27. The mother is in the kitchen preparing the meal when she hears loud screaming coming out of the bathroom. She runs there and sees her husband pulling the baby through the water by holding it at its ears. She "What's all this?" He "You want me to scald my hands?"
28. The hero kribbel runs to the peer at Ados Coast, throws his bag on the three meter away ferry and jumps after it, with his last power he pulls himself over the rail and pants relieved "Done!" Sailor Jackie to him "Not bad, really not bad, but why didn't you wait until we dock?"
29. "Honey, I'm feeling so fat and wrinkled today. I'm desperately in need of a compliment from you." "You have a great talent for observation."
30. How do you silence a group of women? Just say "From now on you speak one after the other and the eldest begins."
31. If someone says to you "Time heals all wounds" hit him in the face and say "Everything will be alright!"
32. What does a master assassin use to make his armor? Hide
33. Why is the gnomes' body armor so cheap? They only need it for their back.
34. What happened to the cannibal warrior who showed up late for barbecue? He got the cold shoulder.
35. What's the difference between Santa and a hero? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!